Sparkling Lotus-land

chilly reception

Despite my recurring spasms of spring fever the outside world remains firmly locked into winter mode.  It's super cold again and quite windy.  When I went out to feed the birds I got interested in the naturally occurring ice sculptures.  Came back in for my camera but wound up much too cold to get very far with it.  As it was my face got somewhat windburned.  Elsewise the yard was loaded with cardinals today; at least twice as many as we usually have.  At one point I counted sixteen and could hear a few more that I couldn't locate with my eyes.

For most of the day I was holed up here in the work room having just the sort of puttering playtime I'd hoped for - with a few breaks for laundry chores.   It delights me to report that the basement is once again fully operational.  You'd never guess there was a nightmare flood down there to see it now.  When the new washing machine arrived today I was all smiles.  Even though that hurt on account of the wind burn.

Both Jim and I decided that we enjoy him having computer space in this room so that's how we're going to keep it.  For me the extra energy makes the overall space feel more enlivened.  Have noticed that in the evenings I spend more time at my work table and we've had some excellent conversations while he's surfing and I'm stitching or messing around in my sketchbooks.

Here's the final amaryllis flower stalk getting ready to pop.  The flowers this year have been exceptionally lovely.  In the late fall I re-potted the cream color abutilon that's been with me since we first moved to this house.  Once its roots had more room it quickly tripled in size.  Pretty amazing to watch the growth keep on going & going.  I have to tilt my neck all the way back to see the current flowers when I'm sitting here at the desk.

Despite the posts title it's been a warm-hearted day.  Am so glad to have a washing machine again!  For the interim weeks we used a nearby laundromat and by "we" I mean Jim.  This was an enormous time suck for him but we weren't about to get a new machine until all the flood restoration work was fully complete. 

The relatively short period of time that we've been inconvenienced has really highlighted a sense of disheartening dependency for me.  But my back simply wasn't strong enough to schlep the laundry back and forth.  On the up side, paying attention to my limitations has begun to reap some sustained benefits.  Spinal flexion is once again on my can-do list and I've built up to the sort of yoga practice that actually feels like a practice rather than a weird dumbed-down facsimile.

Jim's in Cambridge this evening.   Tony and I treated ourselves to some Italian takeout and now I'm thinking of snuggling into my pajamas.   Will be starting a new book - not sure yet if I'll opt for a novel or another memoir.    Aren't libraries wonderful?  We have a very beautiful new one here in town that isn't exactly filled to the rafters but inter-library loan picks up a lot of the slack.

slowing down

2008 was a year of learning what "slow" really means at a day-to-day level.  Am hopeful that 2009 will allow me to integrate what I've learned in ways that are more creative than reactive.  Having never seen or felt myself to be someone who resists change, or glorifies their own weak zones, this kind of sustained personal development is really important to me. So, yeah.  I'm working out the kinks with as much self-generosity as I can find on any given day.

That said working (or even just thinking) slowly isn't yet organic enough for me to trust the process without a sense of guidelines and guardrails.  Am currently attempting to develop a viable framework of those lines and rails.  Some people enjoy that sort of thing.  I'm not one of them but I refuse to let issues of personal preference run the show.  It's my nature to be relatively confident that I'll get the hang of how this kind of thing works as normal life flow rather than special measures of concerted effort.  In the meantime, as I sit here watching the snow fall (again), I'm able to sense myself settling more gracefully into a new level of self-world orientation.  Don't yet know what that means in specific plan-based detail but it's definitely happening on all sorts of levels.

Right before the winter holidays I received an email from e-quilter.  Actually I receive them all the time.  As in allllllllll the time.  Having bought something there a grand total of once their promotional mails arrive almost as frequently as e-missives from some of my most loquacious long-time friends.  And the mails aren't funny like my friends tend to be.  So I guess I must have 'way too much fabric already in addition to reaching the cusp of that sad-but-true cranky stage of wintertime.

Innaways the sale notice came at one of those ultra-rare moments when I'm authentically bored and so I clicked on a link to see what was marked-down.  Had no intention of actually buying anything but then I saw some silk tussah that I'd been eye-ing (without any serious intention of buying some because yikes it was pricey).  Looked at it for a long time and then went on with my day.

About two weeks later I got another email from equilter regarding the sale (in the meantime I'd gotten 5 or 6 other emails from them about brand! new!!! must haves!!!!! delete, delete, delete) and I wasn't bored so much as curious to see how the sale stock was holding out, or not.   The tussah was now half of what it had been at the beginning of the sale; a third of its original cost.  You had to buy a yard.  So - what the hell - I did.

When the silk arrived (it takes them roughly five times as long to fill an order and send it as it takes them to bombard an email box with tons of promotional info ...) the first thing I noticed was that it was a much more vivid green than it had appeared in the online picture.  Something called "citrus" can really go either way between green and yellow and I was expecting something more subtle and yellow-ish. 

Luckily I am not one of those people who is always up in arms about something not being exactly what they expected and anticipated.  By the time I shook it out to get a look at the full length in motion I was glad it was greener than I'd orginally imagined.  On accounta spring fever, folks.  It's alive and well (or do I mean floundering in the snow ...) here in central Massachusetts.

The feel and look of the silk was really secondary to the incredibly gorgeous sound it made as it swished in my arms.  My mind filled itself with images of ballgowns from times gone by and ultra girlie dressing rooms full of hat boxes and powder puffs.  So far I have no idea what I'm going to make with this silk (especially since I really did think it was going to be a lot more yellow than it is ...) but I have no doubt about the fact that I'll make something.

A day or two after I received the tussah I got an unexpected gift box that contained a wonderful old fashioned (circular.  soooo cool) hankie.  The box was tied with a taffeta plaid ribbon containing a green that's very similar to the yard of silk.   It was a no brainer to put the three items together, take their picture, and dream more fervently of a springtime that's not going to arrive for a few more months.

Today I'm feeling very grateful for yesterday's errand-fest; enjoying an absence of all loose matters-a-lot-more-to-me-than-anyone-else-around-here ends that were dealt with...issues large and small have been resolving themselves all week.  As useful and ultimately encouraging as that is it's also been somewhat exhausting.  Seems like every day I learn something new about the difference between overwhelm and paralysis.  My personality tends to confuse the two and so I often start to panic OH MY GOD when what I really need to do is take a few deep breaths and let the river flow.  And you?

ice-land

The garage windows have an intricate glaze that reminds me of a miniaturized (and albino) fern glade.  Yesterday's storm brought us a few more inches of snow and a lot of sleet and rain.   My neurological challenges got progressively more pronounced as the day wore on; after I'd walked into my fourth or fifth wall I decided to hang out in bed reading Man Bites Log.

This morning's sunlight encouraged me to begin the faltering process of re-stringing my equilibrium.  Kicked things off with yoga practice and then asked Tony if he'd mind driving me on a few errands beyond the town limits.  Along the way we saw countless birch trees bent all the way to the ground.   So far it's been a difficult winter for hardwoods...     

aftermath

It's been a day of trying to work out the fine points of taking my own advice about taproots & grounding energy.   Focus has been scattered and at least some of that relates to neurological disturbance caused by an approaching storm front.  None of which makes the amaryllis tribe any less gorgeous:

Otherwise I have been fairly preoccupied with learning-by-living in matters related to Graves recovery.  Am determined not to return to former patterns of crash and burn syndrome; replacing those patterns with something that's a lot more accurately sustainable is definitely an ongoing work in progress.   Today feels like a helium balloon that got away from me. 

The highlight so far:  seeing a bunch of robins foraging amongst melting snow.   But even as I smiled I wondered what had prompted them to come north at this particular time.  Seems like I'm not the only creature dealing with crossed wires ... Can't tell if this song is making me feel better or worse. 

re-set time

c

As you can see there's a lot of life in progress at an amaryllis level.   Big unabashedly gorgeous flowers make winter so much more tolerable for me.  Also the temps crept above freezing today and my body was quick to notice the difference.  Am glad I was able to move around and accomplish more tasks because at this point I'm crammed full of old moon restlessness and the compulsion-to-complete.

Woooooo...it's tilt-a-whirl time in the cosmological sense.  As antsy as I am it seems extra important to remain diligent in all aspects of self-pacing.   For so many of us life has been shifting in all sorts of inexorable and dramatic ways and that's likely to become even more noticeable as we move through the upcoming solar eclipse.  I'm not sure if settling into a new lunar cycle is an accurate (or even relevant) way of looking at things right now.  But I'm going to follow along with my established practice of taking some quality unplugged time.  Hopefully this will help me reconnect with an energetic taproot to help me gather balance in the face of whatever winds may blow at and above the surface level.

This year's we'moon calendar showcases some beautiful owls by Jeannine Chappelle.  The calendar's working theme for the year's second lunation is Inner Light.  Cue up the George Harrison song with the same name!  This time of year (sun in Aquarius) tends to engender a lot of trans-personal and collective illumination and, with the current shifts being as dramatic as they are, I think it's downright imperative to foster a consciously balanced awareness level.  As it appears, so it needs to actually be - with-in as well as with-out.

There are a number of flower essences that are excellent choices for re-setting our electrical systems* and facilitating tap-root level illumination.   The generalized focus equation that seems to help the greatest number of people with a vast array of specific issues and concerns is: flexibility, stamina and integration.  Four of my favorite remedy picks that relate to these aspects of behavior and consciousness are: Pear, English Plaintain** , Boneset and Perennial Borage.  Additionally there is a lot of multi-faceted value to be found in Maltese Cross especially for those who aren't quite clear on their lives most current details of overview or fine print.

I'll be back to blogging in the middle of next week.   If you find that it's impossible to stay authentically cool and collected in the coming days try focusing on grounding from a visual/meditation point of view.  For best results set aside a period of time that you can maintain in a relatively consistent fashion.

*  New moons are prime re-set points for both collective and personal rhythms.  This particular lunation begins with a solar eclipse at the new moon and lunar eclipse at the culmination/full aspects.  So the organic/cellular need to shift in both small and profound ways is likely to feel quite pronounced. 

** this remedy doesn't yet have a profile page.  Scrolls down through the individual plant listings; English Plantain is eighth on the list.

unfolding

The beauty of a lotus flower speaks in many tongues.   When words fail there is always the stunning illumination of the bloom to light the corners of our mind and its blank spaces.   This morning when I first woke up I was thinking in images of bright color and warm physical sensations.  My body was more relaxed than it's been for a number of weeks.  And I had a sense of something waiting for me to find it.

Indeed there were many things to be found today including an assortment of gifts that kept me spellbound.  First there was the gift of less physical tension than I've felt in several weeks.  And a glowing awareness of blessings that encompass my entire family.  An ability to catching my breath in order to more fully absorb those particular blessings. New flowers budding & blooming on my desk.  An unexpected package in the mail.

Did you know that woodpeckers are harbingers of significant shifts in focus and life force?  They are rhythm keepers; a drummer's ally and auspicious guardian of spiritual & practical clarity.  All week I've been watching the small tribe that lives in our silver maple tree.  Did they know a member of their tribe dropped a feather in another place which has found its way to me?

Lotus medicine is a very powerful keeper of compassion in a world that is trying hard to remember how to walk that talk and work the walk; to let the illusions of intelligence and its boundaries shatter as gracefully as possible.  It isn't a journey to be made lightly or in a spirit of impatient expectation.  Wise people know that the farther you go the less you know.  In not-knowing our mind and senses are free to embrace each moment just as it is without searching through the past or scrambling towards the future.  The very nature of meaning and its memories expands and contracts with each breath.  The lotus spirit waits at the core of our personal and collective psyche .  When we're ready to open ourselves to the realm of anything & everything this most sacred flower may give what we need as if those things had always been with us ...

vibrancy

Yesterday I couldn't help but think of the latest crop of amaryllis buds as a mirror of certain collective sentiments: vivid & glistening against a backdrop of the cold winter landscape.  The most prominent bud also reminded me of a dolphin mother and her baby.  See what I mean?

The texture of the buds would make such a beautiful cloth.  I so often think this where flowers are concerned.  As a child it used to frustrate me terribly that the fresh petals dried in ways that changed their form.  Frequently they lost color as well as sheen.

Although I could scarcely overlook the historical significance of the day there was a highly problematic personal variable that was not resolved until today.  Dealing with a period of unknown/relatively helpless waiting has tested most of my strengths and underscored a number of weak zones.  By yesterday afternoon I was gazing fixedly at the amaryllis bud; telling myself that by the time it was more fully open I would at least have the most central answers I needed in order to truly move forward.  And so it was.

Yesterday I felt a certain measure of ideological and humanistic celebration despite the weighty preoccupation.  Today that spirit of revelry has grown wings and become more personal in nature.   This is, indeed, a week of emotional transfiguration and fresh blooming. I am thankful for my blessings and also humbled by what I've been learning about life and my personal response system during the past few weeks of uncertainty.

What will I make, in the literal sense, from what's been learned, re-arranged and transubstantiated?  How will I move forward after an interim of holding space and doing whatever occurred to me to make that space as sacred and rejuvenating as possible? These are the big questions.  At a less inclusive level I wonder what we will have for dinner and what I might read next.  In the mid-range I contemplate how to be of true and compassionate service to those who aren't as fortunate.  What are my gifts - both known and unexpected - and how can I share them most effectively as this winter season continues to unfold?

the happening of it

Snow has been falling all day as the second amaryllis bulb begins to set flowers.  This has been another odd week; some things are falling into place while others just hang around outside the frame whistling tunelessly and smoking cigarettes.   Or something.  Given the way certain variables keep shifting and playing peekaboo with our general sensibilities who knows what they're smoking.

Am considering a few days offline so I can stay focused on the organic rhythm of the space and people in my everyday world.  Also the ongoing spinal issues mean I must continue to prioritize my sitting time.  Would like to spend the lion's share stitching over at my work table or here in the sunny alcove.

It's not sunny right now; as twilight falls all the snow looks rather blue.   The garden is fast asleep.  Just stepped into the kitchen to check on the sunset's afterglow.  The steel tones of the sky suggest we'll have more snow tonight.  Time to bank the fire and thread my sewing needle ...

the why of the what

Jen asked in comments if I would explain how/why I made my choices of inclusion for the dream pillow I created yesterday.  Thought I'd also include some summer pictures of my main garden bed over the years.  PLEASE NOTE:  I am not attempting to promote or endorse any of the companies or products that will be seen by following some of the links in this post other than the link at the end for Avena Botanicals. I have no affiliation with them but I do most heartily endorse their methodology as well as the exceptional quality of everything they offer.  Other than that I simply wanted to include a variety of sources that allow blog readers to gather further info about the herbs I included in my pillow.

Lemon Verbena was my first choice for a couple of reasons.  Most importantly the leaves hold a very intense scent that never fails to evoke high summer for me.  It has a super bright uplifting quality that speaks of the plant's menthol lineage as well as suggesting a basket full of just-picked lemons.

Right before the hard frost I cut two large bunches of flowering stems and hung them above my bed to dry. A couple of weeks back one of the bunches fell down while I was sleeping. Have been thinking about making myself a dream pillow ever since. Lemon Verbena is a wonderful plant with many useful healing properties. Here's a link that provides a decent overview.

Roses are well known healing allies.   Here's a brief article that gives a glimpse through that particular doorway.  I chose to add roses to this dream pillow because they're so soothing and I felt they'd be a good foil for the invigorating qualities of the lemon verbena.  I also liked the sentimental connection of using flowers that were given to me by my son for mother's day. 

The next ingredient I chose was Rosemary.  I didn't add very much but, over time,I have found this herb to be a very beneficial inclusion in dream pillows.  Two reasons:  the plant helps us with memory problems and I very often forget my dreams by the time I'm fully awake.*  Also, over the years I've found that the herb's properties of enlivening our brain functions is a really nice way of boosting lucid dreaming abilities.  Plus there are well-known properties (that work for me) associated with lessening the intensity of head pain.

As I was thinking about this combination I considered ingredients from past dream pillows that have been especially pleasant for me.  So my next inclusion was a sprinkling of clove buds.  They are a very nice (if temporary) cure for headaches that has always worked well for me - especially in combination with Rosemary.  I also adore the clove buds' sensual nature and how pleasantly that's enhanced by similar properties held by both roses and jasmine.

Had forgotten my cache of jasmine flowers until I found them while searching for orris root.  Jasmine is another very sensual and love-inducing flower.  It's also quite protective and very attractive to angelic vibrations.  The scent of the dried flowers is nowhere near as powerful as fresh blooms but they do add a sweet-without-being-cloying top note.

Orris root is my favorite fixative for dried herbal mixtures.  Additionally it adds a lovely subtle scent of its own to the overall blend - kind of like settling down for a little rest in the middle of sweet violets blooming on a sunny late spring day.  Inclusion of the cured root really does boost the staying power of the scent so the pillow stays vibrant and lively for a longer period of time without resorting to inclusion of essential oils.  Note that I did not add any EO's to this pillow but, if I had, I would have chosen either melissa (lemon balm) or neroli.

As I was pondering the original trio of inclusions I thought of adding myrtle - a plant I dearly love for all sorts of healing issues.  But it turned out to be the last thing I added to the bowl because I'd become so preoccupied searching for the orris root.  Myrtle is a plant with a long history of connection to female divinity and the timeless quality of our wild [dreaming] nature. This link confirms the plant's ancient connection with our species.  The leaves have a sharp deep scent that takes the cloying edge away from the sweeter inclusions while providing the rosemary with a beautiful compliment.

Note:  if I'd had any lavender I would have definitely included it in this blend but I've run out of what I gathered here at home.  Will need to order more to get through the winter.  For whatever it's worth this is my hands-down favorite personal choice for purchasing herbs I haven't grown myself or received as a gift from somebody else's garden.

ALSO NOTE:  when gathering/purchasing herbs to include in dream pillows MAKE SURE all plant matter is organically grown.  Otherwise there's really no telling what you might be inhaling all night.

*  One of the classic herbs to use in a dreaming pillow is Mugwort.  This plant is very well known to intensify dreams as well as our memory of them.  Thought Jen (and others) might be interesting in knowing that Mugwort is also known to have a particular affinity for crone-aged woman and crone-based spheres of interest and influence.    While I do have strong affection for the plant and deep respect for all of her healing properties I also have WILDLY vivid and intricate dreams thanks to the beta block I'm taking.  So 'plot' and its vividness really doesn't need an extra boost at this time.  Interestingly I am also recalling my dreams a lot more clearly, for much longer periods of time and with greater frequency due to this medication.   For a while that was actually driving me slightly bonkers but things have calmed down a great deal since I've been on a lower dosage.

gentle warming

just posted a much longer entry over at nichobella concerning the dream pillow pictured above.  Don't have a lot to add, really.  But this:

Yesterday I enjoyed a process that's always very fulfilling to me.  I lit a slim but tall white taper and  kept myself in the kind of low range motion that allowed me to stay in the same room with the candle until it had burned itself into the sand of the bowl holding it steady.

I love watching the flame and the steadily building aura around it.  Love watching the objects it illuminates shift through a series of highlights and shadows.  Burning white candles breathes strong, fluid and capable life into a newly cleaned environment.  I feel very full from the experience; the kind of full you feel from watching an infant sleep or sitting in a garden as day turns to twilight...