During my two month blog break I did not do much stitching. Sometimes it wasn't neurologically feasible but most of the time I simply didn't have enough energy or incentive to push through the fog. Beyond that I wasn't much in the mood for dependable routes to self-soothing. My blogland time-out centered itself around embracing some radical internal changes; some of which felt thrust upon me but most of the shifts reflected action or introspection that I was compelled to make. The process was frequently disorienting as I felt myself reconfiguring a lot of my previous beliefs, habits and cultivated choice-making process.
At times my established daily journal writing routine got deep in ways that only accentuated the overwhelm. So I found it very helpful to balance my determined attachment to an established form of personal record-keeping with an ongoing exploration of what a visual journal could be. And, more importantly, where that be-ing was capable of taking me during this time of learning to know a "self" that wasn't necessarily recognizable until I worked the point of seeing what remained UNchanged.
Did you know that some of the original tribes perceived Blue Jay as a reminder to use personal power very wisely? In this particular part of the country Blue Jay is also a primary trickster archetype. Our property has a very strong Blue Jay population and over time I have come to love them. This love has replaced a lingering fear that stemmed from the fact that a Blue Jay once attacked me when I was quite young. I've told the story so many times that, right now, I just want to stress the core fact that Blue Jays are quite meaningful to me on many levels and in a number of different experiential directions.
This particular bird image came from a 40 pound sack of bird food. I kept thinking about cutting it free from the bag; this was during a period of time when I was so debilitated from vitamin D deficiency that I did not have much energy or "disposable" mobility for creative venturing. As that fact shifted I thought of my ultra-slow recuperative abilities as Energy Flares. Cutting out the bird images was one of the first things I did during such a flare. It took me a while longer to find the cut-out's home.
First I caught up on some reading stacked by the side of my worktable. After I'd absorbed an interview with James Hillman from the Rowe Center newspaper I collaged random portions of the text to a gesso'd spread in the journal. The next day I spent my energy flare working in my leaf print journal. This process always yields extra ink on the leaf that in turn yields quite evocative partial prints. I've found them to be a wonderful way to add some visual texture and layering to a visual journal spread.
I then [finally! home at last!] added the Jay image even though it was too big to paste flat. On the back of the tail (see first image) I wrote a reminder to myself about tails in general: they provide balance that allows for the greatest possible speed (watch what a cheetah's tail does as the cat runs ...) and accuracy.
I had used up a pack of round skull stickers on other pages and decided to paint the remaining sticky material for inclusion on this particular spread. I placed the two pieces randomly and then noticed how they formed little windows to the text beneath them. I went back to those words with a highlighter pen. This treasure hunt yielded a keyword in each circle which I highlighted. The impulsively chosen words created a spontaneous mind map: similar, seeking, eventually, spirituality (with a question mark after it), granddaughter, cohesion, and the phrases TV jungle, you long for, and extravagant imagination.
At that point I stepped back to assess what the page looked like as well as how it felt. I wanted something to counter-balance the omnipresence of the bird. While spending a somewhat longer energy flare on clearing up a few layers of detritus surrounding my writing desk I came across a photocopied acupuncture information sheet from one of my clients. Evidentally I'd spilled water on it and the resulting blotch of indigo looked like it would be a good foil for the bird. Only then did I notice the caption of the image - notating mimulus flower essence employed with acupunture points related to the kidneys. Those points in turn relate to a person's Spirit Burial Ground and Spirit Storehouse - and its applicability to the emergent theme of the journal spread. Also the water-logged blotch threatening to obscure the image of a well-toned torso quite accurately expresses some of my current feelings of dream-like regret and frustration over my extended and extensive healing needs.
Once this piece was pasted in place, and the glue dried, I doodled some emphasis with a correction fluid pen. Quite obviously this is still a page in progress. Throughout the fall season I have become increasingly aware that my relationship with the overall journal emphasizes one of the greatest life lessons I am learning at the moment - deep personal refinement of the virtue patience. This happens to be a quality that I don't embody nearly as fluidly as I might. Knowing as much about myself and actively shifting what it means about how I behave are two very different quadrants of awareness. Currently I have put aside knowing in favor of doing.
The point of sharing that in relationship to visual journaling is very simple but immeasurably useful in its various applications. I am NOT going about the overall creation process with any kind of time limit in mind or an active focus placed on intended outcome. This is a lot easier for me than "patience" per se because I am extremely process oriented and have indulged myself in that affinity for most of my adult life. I think the main boon of working very quickly (other than feeding the increasingly short attention span we as a species seem to define as "normal" ...) relates to the fact that it takes the brakes off our inner censoring process and active attachment to perfectionism.
I do believe this is a very valuable goal from a personal awareness standpoint but I also feel that I get a lot of those benefits in my writing journal where I do express myself VERY quickly and with as much unflinching honesty as I can muster at any given point in time. Which is usually quite a lot. In the visual journal I am not taking my time with any ambition of making things perfect or particularly pretty. I am simply learning how to GO to a deep place and then stay there long enough to gather useful information and awareness.
There has been no shortage of a depth charge in my recent life experiences. One thing I am coming to terms with is a series of profound shifts in my spiritual underpinning. I have also been examining parts of my spiritual nature that I'd deliberately set to one side or rather summarily lumped into a No Longer Applicable pile. Maybe a lot of what I've previously felt attachment for is, indeed, NLA but those attachments aren't necessarily reflected in the issues and experience I consciously placed in that pile.
I have had a cut-out image from a magazine sitting on my work table for a couple of months; back in the summer I happened to turn it over to study the reverse side. That's when I realized that I hadn't originally collected the image of petroglyphs which had since become quite meaningful to me. I'd gravitated instead to the Qechua shaman pictured above. I made a photocopy of the shaman, pasted him into place, and then emphasized the flying streamers of his regalia with torn strips of colored tissue paper.
This particular spread has since become an examination of extremes I experienced during the late summer and early fall. Parts of me felt very attuned to cosmological happenstances whereas other parts revealed themselves to be extremely burnt-out and cynical. All of this, I believe, has been relevant and useful if tricky to navigate. In addition to very self-absorbed forms of awareness I have grasped some clarifying glimpses of cycles-within-cycles that are playing themselves out at a collective and trans-personal level.
Sometimes it becomes very obvious to me what sort of details a background wishes to express. Other times, like above, I ease into the process with something essentially playful. I freely associated with the word paper to conjure a variety of contexts. It took a few more weeks to go back to the spread with a sense of the doorway(s) this conjuring had begun to articulate.
The thought & feeling process that goes with visual journaling continues to expand - beyond words although words are definitely part of the larger mix. In most previous visual-building experiences I've attempted to banish words altogether but that isn't working anymore; not in terms of leaving me with a sense of logical conclusion. This is a big step. For most of my life I've worked with either images OR words and it was quite a struggle to bridge the gap between one and the other. I didn't know how to go about it but now somewhere along the line it's just happened through organic flow I didn't consciously steer.
As the pages slowly fill themselves I realize that I'm happy to work concurrently on a series of personally relevant themes. Most days find me adding bits and pieces to a couple of different theme-spreads. I have not known how to post about this process because it's SO slow yet this is a very vital part of my current creative routine. It's something I can manage even on days when my neurology isn't with-it enough to have confidence working with sharp objects like needles and sewing shears.
The slowly-built visual journal spreads are helping me to perceive an actual plot line within my daily life and its world. Although it's true that I love to lose myself in process it's also true that I have not necessarily trusted that process to yield anything beyond natural affinity points and generalized creative enjoyment. During a period of time that has been quite challenging mentally and physically I have found great emotional nourishment in recognizing that trust for what it is: no small miracle. Likewise it's been extremely fulfilling to give myself creative opportunities to offer the burgeoning trust some consistent shelter as it grows into itself.